Providence Part Six
Nikki stood silently in the kitchen, lit cigarette in between two fingers, the smoke drifting upward and toward an open window. Everywhere she looked was the evidence of Trisha. Her mug, her magazines, her awful choice of certain foods....Then Nikki would listen intently, past all the quiet of the house, for the light sound of water. Helen in the shower.
Once they were both 'awake', Nikki didn't know what to say at all. Do I say the truth, that this is all I've wanted? Or do I accept the mistake I have made, tell Trisha what happened and hopefully sink into the ground? Nikki groaned in frustration. This is so shit.
And it didn't help that Helen was avoiding this topic as well. Those ever-expressive hazel eyes open but not seeing...darting from duvet, to walls, to anywhere but Nikki's face. That's when Nikki suggested a shower. Helen seemed to get even more uncomfortable with that....Nikki shook her head tiredly, somethings never change.
Last night was just a mistake. Plain and simple. It shouldn't have happened but it did...can't take it back. And Nikki might want more with Helen, that is true.
But, like before, Helen does not. At least that's how Nikki read the signs, mulling it all over as her cigarette became smaller against her lips.
Soft footfalls brought Nikki out of her thoughts, presenting a fresh-face Helen Stewart in the doorframe of the kitchen. In the clothes from last night even though Nikki offered different attire...looking so fragile and lost.
Nikki knew exactly how she felt.
The water was so warm and calming....Helen wanted to dissolve into it, to forget the pestering voices in her head...to just forget. Maybe that was wrong to think anyway, Helen decided as powerful streams of water poured over her head. Wrong to want to forget something she *so* wanted....so *needed*.
Nikki was always want she wanted but thought she couldn't have, not in this world...not in this lifetime. But Helen got her, all of her. Good and bad. Too much of both...too much to handle. That's why Helen pulled away, to save herself from disappearing in their love for each other.
But Thomas couldn't replace her as I hoped it would, Helen thought with a sad laugh. She laid her head against the tile, closing her eyes.
I have so fucked up everything...again. Helen covered up lies with more lies, until she was convinced it was all truth. But feeling Nikki's lips on her, that look of painful adoration in her brown eyes....that was truth.
Well, half of the truth, Helen thought now, watching Nikki in the kitchen. She looks just like me....I want to beg her for answers, answers she does not have.
She motions to a coffee cup on the counter and I reach for it. Then I wonder if this is Trisha's mug or not....I look up to Nikki's face. But she is looking away, finding her solace and answers in cigarette smoke.
And I don't want the coffee now, not really.
End of part six