Nikki wanted to focus on the future. Being stuck in a box all day, listening to the madness in this...*place*, it makes it hard to stay positive. She had decided a long time ago that in order to survive, you had to become distant from it all.
Good therory. But that doesn't work. At least not for Nikki Wade.
I see injustice and I want to stop it, Nikki knew this. Her heart went before her brain most times....got her into more trouble than it was probably worth.
So, she walked a thin line between distance and caring, the dualities within herself hard to reconcile with each other.
It didn't help that Helen came into her life. Sure, at times, Nikki loved the looks Helen would throw her way or the smiles that graced her. But love was painful, she learned that with Trisha.
Nikki always follows her heart though. And her heart wanted Helen.
And her body wanted Helen. She wanted it all.
Nikki lit up and exhaled the smoke, watching it drift toward the ceiling. She looked out of her door but wasn't really watching anything at all. Times like this, Nikki would think about that night.
It was too quick yet not fast enough, skin on skin, eyes closed.....Nikki will forever be amazed that someone else's body can merge with her own. That the movements, no matter how explosive or desperate, become so fluid.
Waves of desire washing over two people, causing them to drown in it.
It's only when you come up for air that the pleasure disappears.
Every morning it was the same thought, the same feeling running through Helen's mind. 'Today is my day to make it happen' And she would repeat it all the way to the prison doors. Somedays, she didn't know how to handle it all.
The buracracy and politics of prison life mixed with women deserving of compassion and understanding. Too close to the higher-up's, the inmates don't trust you. Too close to the prisoners, your colleagues don't like you.
Helen couldn't win. And she was tired of it. Too many nights working on better lives for others, not much attention to her own. She threw herself into her work.
And that way Nikki could be part of that, even when Helen was in her flat and Nikki behind bars. Helen wanted to help them all but some did not want the help. The ones who do, she would focus on. And she read files and did reports, conducted investigations....dealt with bastards like Jim Fenner on a daily basis. At night , once Helen slipped in between cool sheets, her mind let go a bit of her work...her life as she chose it to be. And Nikki was always there. A touchstone of passion and sanity for Helen to wander to in her mind. These feelings were so unexpected, so different. But so right somehow.
And even though she knew it was wrong and she fought it, Helen finally gave in to temptation. Now things had changed. The heady feeling when Nikki's lips met hers had become cool, leaving Helen to face some hard realities.
Twice. Two briefs moments in time, nothing more, nothing less. Nikki would go mad first before she would ever get out of here. And seeing her only two times. It breaks my heart, Nikki would weep into the night. My emotions boiled over, spilling out in agony as she left me behind. And yet she comes to me, tells me to fight...can't she see?
Nikki craves the distance to return but it doesn't. Instead, she feels numb. But the deadness is not deep enough. Nikki watches for Helen and their eyes meet. Like always, like moth to flame. Come closer...just a little closer...I need to be near you again. Words are spoken, from Helen's mouth...from Nikki's as well. But it's just noise, to block out what isn't being said.
The 'I want you' . The 'I love you'. The 'how could you leave me?' The 'touch me.' Nikki wants to hold her and never let her go, to empty out her heart and let the whole world know about this love. To make it happen.
It's like being lost. Or trapped. Either way, it isn't a safe feeling in those brown eyes. But I look anyway cause I can't help myself. That's how little Helen had control over this whole situation. Maybe that is why she pulled back, maybe she is a coward. Lots of speculation, no clear answers. Helen wants to act it all out, to at least pretend that they can be around each other. Nikki speaks and Helen likes hearing her voice. Watching her talk or smile, it still makes me happy inside. But the eyes, they say different things all together. The pain is there, but Helen won't see it. She had to choose. And as much as it hurt them both, Helen had to let it go. Have I let go? When I don't see her, it feels that way. Then I see Nikki and my world seems clouded again. I ask her favors. I use her. She knows it and she does it. Helen doesn't do it to be mean. It's the only control she has in this relationship, to use the love there.
Helen covers up her feelings, walking away. And she lets them out at night, to curse her until dawn.
We always end up in these situations. I am pulling and she is pushing, then vice-versa. Nikki sometimes wondered why even try to make it work. But then she would see Helen's face and all would fall into place. This is love.
Love makes no sense. It can make people do insane things, horrible things..but also wonderful things too. I had to tell her, to let her know that she did it...she changed things, not just for me...but all of us in this damn place.
And to see her smile at me, even a tired smile, was enough. And the book. Knowing she still wanted to see me on the outside, that we were still moving in the same direction. It was all my dreams come true. I didn't want to leave her, not yet...I wanted more time to be with her, if only for a brief moment. Couldn't we have that? Just that?
Just as I couldn't stand it anymore, she switches on me. From angry to nice...it is such a wonderful transformation. Only Nikki knows how to do it and make it work. And her words, they really make me feel as though I am doing good in here. I smile now, seeing her eyes light upon the book. She was so pleased. And I was happy to please her. It seems like forever has passed since we were together that night.....and I don't think we can go back, no matter how much we might want to. Only forward. And that is a scary place. For me and for her. Can we make this work? Or will it fail?
I have trained myself not to think like that. As if it's magical thinking...think failure and you shall fail. Her eyes meet mine and she smiles. I smile in return. Yet we don't move away. The voices become muted and distant. It is just us, no one else. Like that night...where all things seemed possible.
Like a whisper against flesh....Nikki brushes her fingers across Helen's cheek, a steady electricity pulsing from her hand to Helen. And Helen moves into it, slowly...like a dream. One touch, one moment. That's all.
And it's over before it began. Nikki to her cell. Helen to her office.
Day to night. Never to happen again.