/ what kind of paradise am I looking for? I've got everything I want and still
I want more maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore/
I see how she feels, confused and worried. But it is nothing she could ever understand. Once I was among the free, I was an outsider. Prison became an uncomfortable home, but a home nonetheless.
Now, in the world that forgot me, I return. And I feel lost. And alone.
Even with her in my arms at night. She thinks I might leave her.
She's not too far off. But what does that mean?
I love her so much. But it is not enough....if freedom is not enough, if love is not enough......
So I keep searching, endlessly, tirelessly. I walk out the door, trying to erase her sobs behind me. I travel away, trying to find me. I am lost at sea somehow, drifting away. And I can't catch up.
/ regretfully i guess i've only got three simple things to say: why me? why this
now? why this way?/
I sit in the sand, by the ocean, listening to the tide wash in and out. I try to remember my childhood but only feel pain in my body. I try to forget being trapped in a box for three years, but it haunts me still.
And yes, I try to forget her as well....but she follows me, like a shadow.
I have found nothing of myself. I went in but never came out.
Until I met her, all things were monochrome. But she cannot save me...Helen cannot save me, not this time.
/and my little pink heart is on it's little brown raft floating out to sea and what
can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me and what can i do but
wallow in you unitentionally/
I come inside and sit down on the floor. You watch me from the living room. My eyes study the carpet, your eyes study me. And even though I want to leave, to disappear...you pull me back again. I find myself in your arms, in your bed, inside of you. And this should be all that matters. Yet it isn't.
And each time I go, you come with me. You say it's love and I agree.
But love isn't everything, not to me.
I watch you sleep soundly, your chest rising and falling, your lips parted.
I want to leave, to find the colorless world again, to live among it once more.
You gave me everything but it is not enough. I feel like a complete ass, leaving again...after loving words uttered in the night.
How many times have you cried over me? I am sorry...
But believe me, I have cried too.
/i smoke and i drink and every time i blink i have a tiny dream
but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem/
I stare into nothing, all of the darkness inside of me. The despair that never went away. I wrote you a letter, trying to explain. I don't expect you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know. Dear Helen.....
I love you and I am shit. I don't know what I am looking for. But I never wanted you to get pulled into it.
I never wanted to hurt you. You are perfect. You are my everything.
But where does that leave me, if I'm always going away?
Nikki sat at the bar, sipping from the brown-glass bottle. The letter sat unfinished by her hands. She pulled her jacket closer to her body. She pulled inward, trying to fade away from the bar and patrons.
And she finally gave in, crying into her hands.