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Savor


/ it takes a stiff upper lip just to hold up my face i got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior i am spinning with longing faster than a
roulette wheel this is not who I meant to be this is not how i meant to feel/

The walls feel like they are closing in. I have lost everything and everyone now. The fears I have shoved away are coming forth. To claim me, to own me.
I fought them off, striving for sanity in this place. But no more. I lose myself to the madness. The shouts and screams, the chanting of a name, the echoing throughout the baige walls.
And I feel the bile rise up in my throat. And I hear the yells coming from my own mouth. But it doesn't seem to help at all.
I slam my fists into the door, I destroy and self-destruct. I explode from the inside. We are all shouting now, for different things.
"I want my life back!" I scream. But no one hears it, not really. Not even me.

/i've worn through the elbows and the knees of my clothing i am stumbling
down the gravel driveway of desire trying not to wake up my sleeping self-
loathing/

One door opens, another one closes. They all start to look the same to me. My eyes see nothing worth seeing....life has stopped. My heart is breaking. My mind is shutting down. I feel water on my face and it's tears. And I hate that I am crying. It's all I do these days. That and smoking. I inhale the toxic and exhale the promises that are broken. From Trisha. From Helen. From my parents. From them all.
Damn them to hell. And me as well.
And everyday is like a nightmare. You never wake up though. Night and day blend together. I stare into the distance, looking for a way out. But it's too much, to wish for more than this. I am not strong enough.

/i'm losing all respect for me and myself tonight i wonder what happens if
i get to the end of this tunnel and there isn't a light/

It's like falling underwater, the force of waves tugging at you all the time. And I finally went with it. Forget life outside, forget love and happiness, forget it all. Friends disappear. Love dies. The world doesn't care about you, not ever. And I don't want to care anymore. I want to be numb. I smoke. I sleep. I scream.
No one notices. They are doing the same. Tonight......for tonight, I don't care. Optimism means nothing to me. I am content to descend into my anger and pain. Alone.

/i don't think i am strong enough to do this much longer god, i wish i was
stronger/


END

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