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I Loved You

/who are you now and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend that you could figure it all out
the mathematics of regret so it takes two beers to remember now
and five to forget that i loved you so yeah, I loved you, so what /

Many hours I have wasted, thinking on her...wondering what could have been and what might still be. But it is just wishful thinking. A dream I had once, that fades everyday...fades further and further away.
I loved her. More than I loved myself sometimes. And the last time I saw her, her beautiful hazel eyes seemed lost. Confused. Our words were clipped and choked, our emotions out of control. Again.
Then the thoughts become too much for me to handle, I want to hear her voice and figure out why she turned away from us, from what we could have had.
I call her and she sounds shocked. We meet for the first time in months, taking in the other person like someone who is starving.
And in between the meal and the drinks, I watch her. Her hair falling into her face, her lips so red....then she looks up. Mirrored in her face is my desire.
But I am willing. And she is still fighting it back. Fighting it and wanting it. I want to hold her and say it'll be okay. But she sips her wine and orders more.
"Sometimes I feel as though I am going to drown..." She says in a whisper over the tablecloth. And I know what she means.  But for me it's our love gone wrong that I dive into at night...for her it's the wine or the pint, the vodka bottle or shot glasses. The evening ends, we stand outside, staring at two unknown points in the distance. This is it, the last time I'll ever see her, why does it still hurt so?
"I remember you know, I've never forgotten...no matter how hard I tried..." She says to me, her eyes wet with tears. The warm drops sliding down her face.
And like a fantasy becoming real, I move toward her. My arms envelope her and my lips claim her. And for a moment, we are together. Kissing each other and holding each other on the sidewalk, the night passing us by. The voice of reason lurking in my head cautions me....once we part, she'll forget. You won't see her ever again.

/how many times undone can one person be as they're careening through
the facade of their favorite fantasy you just close your eyes slowly like you're
waiting for a kiss and hope some lowly little power will pull you out of this /

It's morning and I regret nothing. I thought I might. She'll be going to work now, her gaze steady and cold, her clothes just so, her mind locked away from the outside world. And I sit here, picturing her lightly tanned skin and running my hands over her body.  Of kisses on every inch of her flesh....of tasting her in my mouth, her scent surrounding me, making me drunk on her.
But you don't get a hangover. Just an ache in your heart or a discomfort in your gut, a rambling mind and a sad look in your eyes.
She thinks she has moved on, everytime we meet...she thinks it's over for her the minute dawn finds her face. But I know better. She told me so, when the alcohol flows into her, she tells me lazy truths, slurred and haphazard.
And I listen intently, hoping one day it'll all be true. That her heart will burst open and accept me, that her mind will let go of the barriers she holds between us, that she and I can be together.
Each time it is the same though. She's put it aside and I have to pull it back out again, to let the light in. Only for her to cover it up once more.
I loved you so Helen. More than anything or anyone. But I can't do this anymore. I have to let you fall. I can't keep picking you up, hoping you will stand with me.
And this time, I'll let you forget me, for good if that's what you want.

/who's gonna give a shit who's gonna take the call when you find out that the
road ahead is painted on a wall and you're turned up to top volume and
you're just sitting there in pause with your feral little secret scratching at you
with it's claws and you're trying hard to figure out just exactly how you feel
before you end up parked and sobbing forehead on the steering wheel /

END

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